you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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