That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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