when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize