I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize