im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you win again, gameday.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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