When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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