I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
