My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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