My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
