Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
