I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You did what with his pubic hair?
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