i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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