So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm too high and old for this...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
