I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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