Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
