Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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