Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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