1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
