Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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