awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
