Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
