Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
