I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
