I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
