Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
