Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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