pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
