We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
