Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
