Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
