im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
