ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
