Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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