Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
