Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
