so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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