In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
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