I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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