this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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