why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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