i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
