Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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