He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
