My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
