I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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