My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
