i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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