now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
