it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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