Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
