Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
