Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
