Your dad touched me again.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
