I don't usually arrange sex via text message
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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