one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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