I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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