o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
