We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
