i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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