To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
