Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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